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Overthinking and underperforming

Motivation is not a constant. Willpower is finite. Results are not a given. All hard realities I've learned in the last year on this journey of self improvement.

Some days I kill it. I get up early. I meditate. I journal. I make a plan. I mark off everything on my to-do list. I meet my step goal. I stick to my 24-hour meal plan. I find joy. I express gratitude. I live in the present moment. I connect with my friends and family. I work toward my long-term goals. I DO ALL THE THINGS!

And then some days I might hit snooze three times. Whine about having to get up. Skip my meditation and stretching. Don't even look at my planner. Sludge through the day. Walk the minimum just so the dogs will leave me alone. Sulk. Cry. Procrastinate. Eat my feelings. I don't respond to texts. I say fuck it. Have a cocktail... or 4. And call it a day.

But most days it's somewhere in between, and that's OK. I'm not perfect - far from it. More than anything I spend more time overthinking and underperforming. I spend a lot of time thinking about my goals and daydreaming about future adventures, but not enough time mapping out those goals and making actual progress toward those adventures. My Pinterest boards and phone notes are full of travel itineraries and road trip ideas, but my budget note has me barely paying all the bills.

My weight loss has slowed way down. To put things in perspective, I've really only lost maybe 5 lbs since April and it's now July. I just keep gaining and losing the same few pounds over and over again and it's frustrating to think of it like that. I say all that to say, that even with the slip ups of life (magnified by this damn pandemic), I've still been able to give myself credit for just maintaining through all of this and also recognizing the "non-scale victories" as Noom calls them.

I have to remind my stupid brain — that is wired to point out everything wrong — that my direction is more important than my speed. I have to remind myself that I've lost 65 lbs in a year by simply making a lot of little changes in my life. And that those small changes have led to bigger changes physically, mentally and emotionally.

My blood pressure at the doctor's office just last week was 120/65 - and that was under the stress of being tested for COVID-19 (results still pending by the way).

The numbness I was having in my right thigh is all gone. Headaches are few and far between. The acid reflux is under control. My mood is more stable and I don't get overwhelmed and stressed as much.

I can wear jeans again instead of just leggings. I don't feel so damn uncomfortable in a bathing suit.

I'm hiking once a week and gaining more stamina to get up those steep inclines. I'm more flexible and calm through regular yoga practices. I'm going rafting and tubing and I have plans to go horseback riding and kayaking soon!

So in a way, perhaps I've already met my goal of leading the joyful and adventurous life that I am meant to, but also I'm still committed to losing more weight simply to prove to myself I can do something I didn't think I could ever do.

Sure the scale is so damn slow right now, but I just keep reminding myself of the most important thing I've learned through this — you have to learn to enjoy the process instead of being fixated on the end result. And that's not just with weight loss — that's with everything in life. We get in such a hurry to get somewhere, we forget to look up once in a while to see the beauty around us along the way.

So yeah, I'm going to keep trying to figure it out and I'll lose this same damn 5 lbs until I'm on to the next 5 lbs — knowing one day I'll get to where I want to be.

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